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Not all relationships end with closure. Sometimes, you have to move on after a breakup without that closure, and here’s how to manage it.

In a perfect world, we would all get closure when it comes to a breakup. The reality is that doesn’t happen, and as much as we may think that we are owed that closure, we’re not. It sucks.

It really sucks when the breakup* has come from an affair or some sort of abuse. You’re left with all these questions from the relationship about whether any of it was real. It’s easy to go down the rabbit hole of trying to figure out why things happened.

There are times when the breakup happened because of your own actions. I can’t tell you the number of people in infidelity forums who don’t understand why their exes just left and wouldn’t work through the affair with you. There are also a lot of narcissists who are so certain that they weren’t to blame for things that happened and can’t accept they were in the wrong.

Closure isn’t possible all the time

When it comes to a breakup, you’re not always even going to get closure. There are times when people just leave. They don’t explain anything. They grab their things and that’s it.

Then there are times when you just need to get out. It’s much safer to leave a toxic situation than deal with the trouble that comes from a face-to-face breakup. I’m talking about when there is abuse happening. Even though you’re the one leaving, you don’t get complete closure. You want to know why the person did what they did, but if they’re not willing to own up to it or don’t think they have a problem then it’s not going to happen.

So, you need to find a way to move on without that closure. It is possible, but it’s not easy.

How to move on after a breakup without closure

The first thing you need to do is forgive. But I’m not talking about forgiving the other person, especially if there was abuse or an affair. You need to forgive yourself.

Forgive yourself for staying longer than you should, or for holding onto that relationship. Forgive yourself for putting yourself in a situation you know was bad for you. Forgive yourself for loving someone who didn’t love you back as much as you thought they did. Whatever you think you need to forgive yourself for, forgive yourself.

That is really the closure you need. You don’t really need answers or clarity. You don’t need an apology from the other person. You need to make the decision that you forgive yourself.

Now it’s time to choose to move on. You see, being able to move on after a breakup is an action. It’s like loving someone or forgiving yourself. You are making a choice to act. You may not feel like you should have to move on without the closure, but that’s you making a choice to stay stuck in that situation.

I’ve been there. I get it. No, this isn’t toxic positivity or blaming the victim. It’s time to stand up and make a choice that benefits you. That is something you owe yourself. So, make a choice to move forward.

Accept that closure doesn’t always happen. Life isn’t a TV show where everything is wrapped up in a neat little bow. We don’t always get answers as to why people do the things they do.

I think it is a problem with fiction. It focuses so much on wrapping up the story because people need that when they’re reading or watching TV. The truth is that life isn’t like that. Maybe we need more fiction that doesn’t wrap everything up. It’s one of the reasons I love ambiguous endings. So, accept that your life isn’t fiction.

Oh, and even in fiction, it’s really only the main character and any other important ones that get fully wrapped up endings. Not everyone does. Maybe you’re not the main character if you really want your life to be like fiction.

Talk it all through with a therapist

I’m a huge advocate for therapy. Does it fix everything? Definitely not. But it really helps to work through feelings and figure out ways to cope with situations.

One thing that my therapist recently recommended I do is to grieve the loss of my marriage*. I simply tried just putting the whole thing in a box and forgetting about it. Every now and then, that box would open and something would spill out. I’d think closure was needed to deal with that.

The truth is, I just wasn’t accepting things. I wasn’t ready to accept that I don’t always get closure. Once I started accepting that, the anger didn’t rise up as much and I was able to move on after a breakup.

MORE: 5 signs it’s time to end your marriage

Are you struggling to move on after a breakup? Share your issues in the comments below.