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Do you have to deal with a difficult ex? Here are the top five reasons your ex is angry and hateful toward you.

Before we get started with the reasons that tend not to make sense at first, I am going to ask you to hold yourself accountable. There are many times I got backlash from my ex because I push buttons on purpose. I was wanting that reaction, and part of it was to say “ha! I can still get that reaction.”

There are times when I see the ex being calm up until they’re provoked or pushed in that direction by others. It’s a natural reaction.

So, take a step back first. Did you do or say something that would provoke a reaction? We’re not all innocent, and we need to hold ourselves accountable when we have done something.

But now onto the reasons why you’ve not done anything wrong. There are a few reasons exes will be angry and hurtful to their former partners. I’ve been on the receiving end when I haven’t provoked my ex. It’s not nice, but it helps to understand where it’s coming from.

Your ex is angry and hurtful because they’re having a bad day

Look, I don’t say that it’s okay, but it happens. We all have a bad day, and that can lead to our tempers being short. Think about how you’ve reacted around people.

Your ex may not want to spend a lot of time around you anyway. Yet, it comes to picking up the kids and they have to see you. They’re already dealing with stress from work, the kids are messing around, and maybe their family is getting to them. Now they’re in front of you, and they have someone that they can lash out on.

You are allowed to call them out on this! Make it clear that you understand why they’re lashing out but that it isn’t okay. If you can’t say it to their face, put it in a text message afterward. Having it in writing can help to show that there’s a pattern.

Your ex is a narcissist

Take a look at who your ex really is. When your ex is angry and hurtful, they could be showing you who they really are. Believe it.

There is a chance that your ex is a narcissist*. Now that you’re gone, they’ve lost their supply—you. If they don’t have another supply, they will try to get you back all they can. When they can’t, they lash out and get angry. They start calling you names.

You likely had a trauma bond with your ex. Maybe you have one still now. As your ex gets angry and lashes out, you get stuck in the pattern of trying to earn their good side again. Don’t do it. Just disengage.

You have two options. You can just hang up/shut the door in their face, or you can just not react at all. Either way, you shut them down.

The new girlfriend is causing a problem

Does your ex have a new girlfriend in their life? If your ex is angry and hurtful suddenly, it could be due to this. The girlfriend may be insecure about the relationship you and your ex have, and this leads to the ex acting in a way that isn’t normal.

This is something that I’ve personally experienced. I knew why my ex and his ex were on the rocks because he would be nice to me. When he was trying to make it work with her, he’d be awful to me again. I thought it was him, and some of it definitely was. But some of it was her.

She was the affair partner, and there’s no doubt that she didn’t trust him. I was a threat to her. She thought I wanted him back. In fact, I’ve found out that she often said “go back to your wife” when they argued. She would diss on me and encourage him to do the same because of how insecure she is.

You don’t have many choices when this is happening. You can call your ex out, but they’re probably not going to listen. So, your only real option is to just ignore.

MORE: Win Your Breakup: How to Be the One That Got Away*

Your ex is angry and hurtful because they’re hurt

Again, this is not okay, but hurt people hurt people. It’s an awful cycle, and it can mean you’re on the receiving end of the anger and hurt. This is especially the case if you were the one to end the relationship and your ex didn’t see it happening.

Now, if you had an affair, they have ever right to be angry toward you. The anger and hurt is because of you. You deserve it. If you didn’t do that and you did nothing wrong but just ended the relationship, it’s different. Sure, there may be anger, but that doesn’t mean the ex should take it out on you.

They need to heal*, and that only comes with time. So, your only real option is to just wait for their hurt to pass. And if you had an affair, don’t act like you did nothing wrong. You’ve got a lot to make up for, especially if you have to co-parent with them. Own your choice and make amends.

Addiction or mental illness can cause a problem

Has your ex turned to alcohol or drugs to deal with the divorce? Was there an undiagnosed mental illness? These are things to consider, especially if there are other signs of any of them. You don’t just want to look out for them for yourself, but you need to for your children as well. If your friend or a family member shows signs of substance abuse, you may help them find a rehab center. If you’re looking for the best luxury rehab center in Los Angeles, Method Treatment offers a range of treatments to support recovery from addiction. Clients receive individualized care and attention.

By the way, your ex could also be getting clean. This can cause hormone imbalances, leading to your ex being angry and hurtful.

You’ll want to tread this one carefully. If you are concerned about the safety of your children, get CPS involved. If you think you can get other people to talk to them or arrange an intervention, you could look at doing that. Don’t deal with this situation alone.

MORE: No, you don’t need to be fully healed before dating again

Do you wonder why your ex is angry and hurtful in the divorce process? Share the reasons that you found in the comment below.