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You want a new relationship to work, but that isn’t always going to happen. Make sure your new partner is good for your children.
We want to think the best of our new partners. When we have children, it’s so important to go into a new relationship with eyes wide open. It’s essential to assess everything that is said but also the actions performed.
I always say that when someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time. Unless they understand they need to change and want to make those changes, they’re not going to. And most people don’t want to change. So, instead of hoping that a relationship will get better, take a look at what this partner is showing.
When it comes to kids, you need to put them first. It doesn’t matter how happy you feel in a relationship. If your kids aren’t put first—especially children under the age of 18—then you’re going to damage your relationship with them. That’s on you and not on them.
Here are the top five signs that your new partner isn’t the best for your children.
They don’t want anything to do with your children
Now, I can understand a new partner saying that they don’t want to discipline the children. That’s up to the parents and not up to new partners. What I mean by new partners not wanting anything to do with your children is that they don’t want to hang out with you when you have your kids*. They want nothing to do with you when it’s your custody time at all.
A new partner should accept you for everything that you bring into the relationship. That includes your children. This doesn’t mean they should always want to be around your kids. If they’re child-free or child-less, they may want to have that alone time. You two need some adult-only time. However, this shouldn’t be the case every single day.
What happens if you end up with full custody of your children? Let’s say your children’s other parent dies. What will happen with your new partner? Are they going to put up a fight that you now have children in your life 24/7? If it means they constantly complain about not having time with you and always being around your children, there’s a huge issue.
Your children have negative experiences when with the new partner
What do your children say about your new partner? Do they like this person, or are there some negative comments? Now, there are times when children will immediately not like a new partner. There may be a negative experience in the past that they’re worried about being repeated. So, you need to listen to children, but factor in all possible problems and reasons.
Something to listen to is the way children speak. Some may not feel like they can speak up. There’s something going wrong, but they’re scared of hurting you or scared of something the new partner may do in retaliation.
Pay attention to attitudes, emotions, and more. And if your children do have a negative experience with a new partner, listen to everyone. Go in with a neutral head and do some active listening to get to the bottom of it.
This could mean some therapy is needed for everyone. It could also mean that your new partner isn’t everything they say they are. It could also mean that your children are trying to sabotage your relationship.
MORE: 5 tips for co-parenting with a narcissist
Your new partner speaks poorly about your children’s other parent
There are going to be times when tensions run high. You may have a problematic relationship with your children’s other parent. You will want to vent to your new partner, and that’s okay. In fact, your new partner may back you up, but it’s in response to your experiences. A good partner will also look at both sides and they will listen but not necessarily react.
If your new partner keeps making comments about the children’s other parents without you mentioned anything, you need to pay attention to that. Whether they know the other parent or not, it’s not their place to make comments. What is this new partner saying to your children? It sets up a bad tone for your children, and they are less likely to like the new partner.
The only time a new partner can get involved in family disputes is if they’re pulled into it by someone. You shouldn’t be pulling them into it, so it’s likely the children’s other parent. At that point, you can stand up for your new partner. However, if your new partner is putting themselves into the middle of a situation without needing to be, you’ll want to ask why.
Your children are constantly acting out when around you and your new partner
When you are with your own children, they may be perfectly capable of having conversations and following rules. Then your new partner comes over and things change. Suddenly, children can start to lash out.
Something to do first is to talk to the other parent. Is this an experience there as well? It could be that children don’t want to see their parents moving on*, and this could be a common theme in both houses. In this case, it requires therapy for everyone. While you need to be there for your children, they need to learn how to grow up and handle their emotions.
What if there are no issues at the other house? Their other parent has a new partner and the children act well. This could be a sign that it’s your new partner or your new family dynamic that is the problem. It’s time to look at what is said when you’re not in the room. How does your new partner react around the children when you’re not around? This could explain the reason for children acting out.
This doesn’t necessarily mean that your new partner isn’t right for your children, though. As dynamics change, everyone needs to sit down and understand what it means. Sometimes, it’s all about open communication for everyone.
Your new partner only considers their own children
You may have chosen a new partner who has children of their own. Blended families can be difficult to manage, and you could see signs that the relationship isn’t right. One of the biggest issues is the way parents will look after their own children.
Take a look at when arguments start between the children. This is going to happen. Who does your new partner instantly believe or listen to? In a true blended family, both parents need to put their own feelings for their children to one side. You need to listen to all sides and hear the situation. If your new partner isn’t going to do that and will only listen to their child, it’s a sign that they’re not ready to be in a real blended family.
You need to watch out for yourself doing the same, though. It’s easy to take our own children’s sides, but it doesn’t mean they’re right.
MORE: Is a co-parent’s debt your responsibility?
Are you struggling with a new partner and your children? Are you questioning whether this relationship is right? Share your thoughts in the comments below and let’s deal with it together.
