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You’ve found out that the person you’re with is married. Should you tell the betrayed spouse about what their partner is doing?
Those who know me well, know that I despise cheaters. An affair* is more than just “one mistake” or a small betrayal. It is deeply personal and one of the biggest things that can break a marriage or long-term relationship. Most couples tend to undergo couples therapy San Jose before entering married life.
There are a lot of things about how people shouldn’t blame the affair partner. If the affair partner knows that they are the affair partner and does nothing to stop it, then they are definitely partly to blame. It takes two after all—and not the betrayed spouse.
However, I have ended up being the affair partner without realizing it at first. The minute I found out, I ended the relationship. I had to make a decision over whether to tell the betrayed spouse or not. In the end, I did, but was it the right decision? I think so; and I would have appreciated it if the woman my ex-husband was sleeping with told me—although, it turned out she was just as bad as him and didn’t even care what she was doing to a family, so it doesn’t surprise me now that she didn’t. The funniest line I heard about her saying was “you’re going to leave me for your wife.” I mean…I think you can see the ridiculousness of that line, and if you don’t, just watch The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel* because there’s a moment with something similar in that!Join Amazon Prime – Watch Thousands of Movies & TV Shows Anytime – Start Free Trial Now
Why tell the betrayed spouse about their partner
What’s the point in telling the person who has been betrayed, though? After all, there’s always that thought of “they won’t believe me.” It’s not about them believing you, though. It’s about giving them the information they need so they can take the action they want. When I told the spouse, I took screenshots of conversations and sent them to her to make her aware. And I would do it again. But even if I didn’t have that, I would have still passed on the information.
Think about what you would like if it was your partner having the affair. You’d want to know so that you could take appropriate action, right? Even if you didn’t fully believe the message, you’d be on the lookout for any sign that your partner is having an affair. You’d keep an eye on messages and some of the doubts that you have in your mind may finally be settled.
There’s also a safety aspect to it. If this person is having an affair* with you, who else are they having an affair with? I know a guy who would use polyamory as an excuse to cheat. He didn’t always tell his partners that he was “polyamorous,” and he wouldn’t always use a condom. That put multiple people at risk, and they had no idea that it was happening. This is a form of abuse, and in some cases, it could be criminal. Individuals who are facing domestic abuse charges may seek legal services from a criminal defence solicitor.
Then you have the fact that this partner having the affair seems to be getting away with it time and time again. They don’t learn their lesson, really. You need to help the betrayed spouse see what’s happening so that the affair partner stops with the lies and manipulation. Affairs involve a lot of abuse when you consider the manipulation and gaslighting that happens.
So what if the betrayed spouse doesn’t end up believing you? That’s up to them. Your conscience is clear. Just make sure you get out of the relationship and don’t believe the “we’re separated/having problems” line.
Would you tell the betrayed spouse about their partner having an affair? Have you done it in the past? Share your thoughts in the comments below.