Why you don’t need to forgive your ex to get closure

Don't forgive your ex to get closure

Why you don’t need to forgive your ex to get closure

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I hear a lot about how you need to forgive your ex if you want to get closure. That’s not the case. Here’s who you need to forgive instead.

I hear a lot about forgiving an ex in an attempt to get closure from a relationship*. This is such a toxic statement when it comes to moving on from relationships. The truth is, you don’t need to forgive someone to move forward in your life.

Let’s say your ex abused your best friend physically. Would you tell them to forgive their ex for the terrible things they did? Of course not! That ex hasn’t accepted what they did was wrong and is doing nothing to change. Why the hell would anyone forgive them for what they did?

The same applies to affairs, mental abuse, and so much more. If someone has done you wrong and shown no sorrow or remorse for it, they don’t need forgiving. The only time I would say to forgive them is if they’re working hard on being a better person and changing. Yes, people can change.

Don’t forgive your ex if they’re still the same person

The idea that you need to forgive your ex to get closure is a toxic view. It’s a harmful view, as you end up forgiving bad things without anyone making some changes to who they are.

You end up accepting some of those behaviors. I know people say that forgiving them doesn’t make their actions right, but that’s what you’re really saying to them. You’re saying that while they did a bad thing, that’s okay, even though it’s really not.

This doesn’t mean you should harbor anger and resentment toward them, though. The best thing I found when it came to a couple of exes is to pretend that they don’t even exist. I don’t talk to them, and I don’t acknowledge them if they pop up because we still have some mutual friends. I’m not angry; I just don’t care about them. I haven’t forgiven them, but that doesn’t mean they have to take up space in my head.

You can move forward without forgiving your ex*. I can assure you that it is healthy to do this.

MORE: 5 signs it’s time to end your marriage

What to do instead of forgiving your ex

There is someone who you should forgive if you want to get closure on your relationship. You don’t need to forgive your ex, but you do need to forgive yourself.

You can forgive yourself for staying in the relationship for longer than you should have. You can forgive yourself for holding onto the person you thought your ex was. Yes, you can even forgive yourself for loving them or getting involved with them in the first place.

As you start to forgive yourself, you will start to gain closure. Sometimes, you need to forgive yourself for thinking that you are some sort of savior for a person, or for not believing the person they were showing themselves to be.

People aren’t going to change if they don’t see a problem with their actions. Do you really think the man who discarded a woman he said he loved for 10 years is going to be any different to you if he’d been with you three or four? He’s already shown who he is, and you’re not that special. But you can forgive yourself for thinking that you would be different and that you would change him.

You do get to move forward after a breakup*. You do get to have closure, but it’s not going to happen in the way you think it will or the way you think you deserve. You do need to forgive yourself for thinking closure comes from someone else. It comes from yourself. Forgive yourself; don’t forgive your ex.

MORE: How do you move on from a breakup without closure?

Are you struggling with a breakup? Share your thoughts below and let’s help each other deal with the end of a relationship.

Alexandria Ingham is a professional writer. She predominately ghost-writes in various niches, including fitness, finance and technology Everything is fully researched and well-written. Under her own name, she writes in the technology, business, history and weight loss niches

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