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You need to bring up exes when dating, but this doesn’t need to happen right away. When is the best time to do this?
We all have exes, and we need to talk to current and potential future partners about them. After all, they do need to understand some of the baggage, and they need to know about the people in our lives.
That doesn’t mean you need to bring up your ex on the first date. I’d recommend not doing this, unless that ex is involved with kids that you have. After all, the kids are going to come up in conversation, so their mom or dad needs to, as well.
That doesn’t mean you have to share details. I tend to do the “we’re on civil terms” statement, which is enough to say that this is a topic that will come up if we go on more dates, but for now, I want to know about you and I want you to know about me.
Bring up exes when dating to see how long ago the relationship was
I do tend to ask someone when their last relationship was. This tells me a lot about the person, and it can also be a good hint as to whether they’re cheating or not.
If someone only broke up with their ex* up to six months before talking to them, I usually give them a pass. If they tell me how they were on and off for ages, I definitely give them a pass. Jumping into dating too early or constantly being on and off are signs of a toxic person. I’d be worried about more drama coming into my life, and I’ve had enough for one lifetime.
If someone has been dating other people for a year, that’s different. Dating and talking to people is a process. It’s when they’re just getting out of a long-term relationship with their most recent ex, especially if they have children with that person.
The “living in the same house” as an ex thing is also a turn-off for me. In today’s economy, it could be essential, but I would want some details about that, and talking about this on a first date is important. It could be a sign of cheating. Does the ex really know they’re an ex? There are a lot of cliches out there.
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How to talk exes on a first date
There are times that talking about an ex is impossible on a first date. I find this when it comes to dating parents. I want to know what their relationship with the other parent is like.
The minute someone says “Oh, my ex is crazy,” I decide that a second date isn’t happening. That tends to suggest that they did something that led to their ex acting out of character. That being said, I will listen to their explanation, but in the majority of cases, this is a line that tells me everything I need to know about a person.
Another one is “my ex won’t let me see my kids” or other ways to show that the ex is a bad parent or a bad person. Usually, there is something that the potential partner has done and I’m not going to jump into that relationship. I skip the cliches after marrying one.
When you do discuss an ex, remain civil about them. I share that we’re civil, we are doing the best for the kids, and that’s it. You may also mention what the ex does for a living in case there are last-minute changes to a schedule. This is important if your ex is in the emergency services or military. Otherwise, there’s no usually an issue.
When is the right time to bring up exes when dating?
Once you go on two or three dates, you’re likely to think about this relationship getting a little more serious. This is the time to talk about exes. At least, the most recent ex.
Don’t badmouth your ex, though. Think of how you feel when someone you’re talking to badmouths their ex. This leaves a bad taste in my mouth. If they’re talking this way about someone they once loved, how will they talk about others?
I get that some people have had bad relationships, but the initial stages of dating* aren’t the time to trauma dump. You want to talk about this in stages in the early days as a relationship gets more serious.
As the relationship gets more serious, talking about exes is important. You may even bring up other exes. A potential partner needs to understand your experiences and vice versa. This is the best way to break down any triggers you have or why you act in a certain way. It can also explain some of the behaviors you are currently working on, and again, vice versa.
MORE: When should you start dating after divorce?
When do you bring up exes when dating? Share your thoughts in the comments below.
